So, your child has joined the team. You drive out for practices and games, buy hot dogs and sodas at the concession, and cheer for your child and her friends.
Not everything is ideal, however. Maybe you're noticing your child doesn't play as much as other children. Or he's not getting turns at all the positions. Perhaps the coach isn't spending fair time helping him develop skills at practice. Whatever you're concern, it's time to talk to the coach.
But how do you approach him without sounding like another whiney parent? Here are some ideas to help you have that discussion and get results.
- Respect Her Time:
Remember the coach is a volunteer who has her own life outside of the team. Find a quiet moment to tell her you have something you'd like to discuss and then ask her when would be a good time. She will appreciate your concern and will be in a more receptive mood when you meet at the scheduled time. - Speak to Him Privately:
There are a couple of reasons for this. First, he may be distracted with other people around and other things to deal with. You won't be able to properly express your concerns in this atmosphere. Second, no one like to be criticized in front of other people. The coach will be more likely to listen when he doesn't feel he has to look good to other people. - Stay Calm:
I probably shouldn't even have to say this, but given the number of incidents in kids' sports in recent years, I'm saying it. Stay calm when you speak to your child's coach. Angry statements, inappropriate language, threatening body language have no place here. At the very least, it won't get you what you want. At its worst, it can lead to violence. - Be Prepared Ahead of Time:
If Johnny is playing every inning of every game, and your child is only playing 2 innings, document it. If Suzie plays first base all the time and your child is in the outfield, take note. Know what you want to say when you meet with the coach. Logic gets further than emotions. - Make "I" Statements:
Say "I feel like my child isn't getting equal playing time," or "I think my child would benefit from playing more varied positions," rather than "You favor the other kids and let my child sit on the bench." The "you" statements will put the coach on the defensive. By sticking to "I" statements the coach doesn't feel she needs to defend herself and will be more open to compromise.
Along the same lines, "I would" can be helpful as in, "I would like to see my child get some time in the infield." Again, you're giving the coach some room to maneuver and you're more likely to reach a reasonable agreement. - Check with the Other Parents:
If the coach is blatantly favoring or excluding one or more child(ren), chances are other parents have noticed it also. Sometimes there is strength in numbers and a parents' meeting might be just the thing to level the field. Just be careful not to make the coach feel like he's being ambushed, especially if it's his child he's favoring. - Be Open to the Coach's Reasoning:
Sometimes you might be seeing things that aren't there. Other times play might not be "completely fair", but there may be a good reason. When my daughter played softball, she was the smallest girl in her league. She was also fairly new to the game while many of the other girls played well. The coach kept her in the outfield all season. She had a good reason -- she was afraid my daughter would get injured with the bigger, more experienced players bearing down on her. She was probably right, and while I'd have like to have seen my daughter play infield, I knew she was better where she was. - Get Involved:
Many organizations are short on volunteers. Perhaps the coach is just doing the best he can under the circumstances. Taking on some of the responsibility, such as organizing the team snacks or supervising on the bench, can free up the coach to concentrate on coaching. - Have an Out:
What are you going to do if you cannot reach an agreement with the coach? Think about it before you go in so that you can stick it out or part ways amicably.
One more thing to remember. Your child may not feel slighted in the least. My daughter loved her position in the outfield and never felt like the coach had been unfair. I don't think she'd have even noticed if I hadn't told her what the coach had said. She just wanted to be on the field and have a chance.
Talking to your child's coach may not always be easy, but it's the best way to ensure a good experience for your child, and the team. Most coaches appreciate involved parents. They will be happy to listen and do what they can, as long as you approach them reasonably. Chances are, your child's coach will be happy to hear from you.